The van Putten Diaries

Before writing this, I read through my end of year post from 2022 and now I'm sitting here in a bit of a state of anxious shock.  I've changed quite a bit without realizing, and forgotten a lot as well... perhaps buried in an attempt at self-preservation.   In that post, I mentioned the overwhelming anxiety I felt when I thought about 2022 and how I was not in a good mental state to reflect much on it.  But now, I think about 2022 quite a lot.  When I can anticipate a huge life change, such as graduating or moving, I try to intentionally hold onto some distinct memories of that time and that place in which I'll never live again.  I have a lot of those from 2022 and they pop into my head at completely random moments every single day.  I had spent so much energy looking around me and sitting with the details of what I was seeing, of what my life was in Tacoma, while burning myself up in preparing to move.   I spontaneously think about...  ...

I started this blog post in October then never bothered to sit down and finish it.  I think it's an excellent place to lead into an end of year review, though, so I'm just going to add on.  The below text in italics was written almost 3 months ago, the rest was written today.   We've reached the point where our life here is very comfortable.  The honeymoon period is still there, but it's waning and I can feel that I've started thinking about things without the lens of bliss.  At least once every other day, Nic and I will look at each other and say something like "Yep, our life is great.  No complaints."  Even when it's a frustrating day or something happens that requires an urgent care visit, we are completely happy. This contentedness, this fullness, has become our new normal.  We are active, we have routine, our house has what we need in it, we know where we're going and how things work, the kids have friends and activities that they parti...

If you ask a Dutch person, they would say to not expect too much from the medical system here.  It's known for not taking concerns very seriously and suggesting paracetamol for just about everything.  They'll say it's too bureaucratic, that it takes too long to navigate the procedural steps, and that there's not enough choice. But. In my opinion, the Dutch (just like everyone else) also really like to complain.  And when you tell them how much it costs to simply exist in the American healthcare system without even having seen a doctor yet ($15k per year for 3 of the 4 members of our family, just in monthly premiums), they will relent and say something like "That's absolutely absurd.  Yes, I suppose our system is worth it for what you pay." And what do we pay in medical premiums here in the Netherlands?  Well... our kids are free... because all minors, regardless of their family's income level, are covered by the government here for any and all medical ...

So far, we have spent 7 months in the Dutch school system.  The kids have attended 2 different schools and we have toured 3 others, all of which are in one city.  This is, of course, a very limited scope, but enough to observe the differences from our experiences in US schools.  In this post, I'm going to talk about our direct experiences rather than the full detail of how the system works, start to finish.  I found this post extremely helpful to help wrap my head around the overarching ideas behind the system itself:   https://www.expatica.com/nl/education/children-education/dutch-education-system-100816/ What have these 7 months in school looked like, logistically? The first school the kids attended was in a diverse, working-class neighborhood with what appeared to be mostly second or third generation students - fully Dutch speaking students with backgrounds from Turkey, Morocco, Poland, and elsewhere that I didn't hear direct reference to.  Other th...

Among those in the US who know anything about The Netherlands in the first place, it seems to conjure an image of social liberalism in a wet climate.  The Netherlands is known as being the first country in the world to legalize marriage equality.  We think of Amsterdam as the gay capital of the world.  As we were preparing for our move, I heard a lot of folks in the queer family say something along the lines of "Wow, you're moving to a place where I'd actually be safe" with a hint of wistful jealousy in their voice.   All of this is true.  It is a socially liberal place with a climate that many would think is less than ideal, but I find rather perfect.  Gay rights are so engrained in the psyche of the population that the far-right parties use homophobia as the excuse for not wanting Muslims in the country.  It is, in fact, much safer here for queer people than in the United States and many, many other nations.  And the Dutch people as a whole...

This could have been exclusively in my personal blog, but I decided to to share it here as well.  These experiences are not exclusive to spaces in which being queer is unsafe, but they also exist in countries and societies that we think of as being more accepting.  I am both queer in terms of sexuality and also genderqueer (non-binary), but I can easily pass as neither when I'm out in the world.  I am married to a cisgender man and I haven't chosen to transition in a way that would make me appear to be physically more androgynous.  I even often feel most comfortable with femme gender expression, which makes it perhaps even more confusing for people struggling to remember to call me they/them. For queer and gender non-conforming people, new social interactions can be difficult.  Even more so for those of us who can't hide as easily.  We have to think about how safe we feel in this new social situation, who we feel can be trusted to treat us with respect and ...

We woke up Monday morning to a waterfall in our kitchen.  It had been lightly raining all night and it turns out our gutter was clogged.  You see, our kitchen is part of an add-on in the back of the house with a flat roof that serves as our terrace.  And the gutter downspout for said roof runs... inside of the house.  I assume the water goes into the sewer system after it has travelled through the pipe in our kitchen, but with the pipe clogged it was just raining indoors. This is one of many things we've had to learn how to navigate in Dutch houses, which are unexpectedly far more different than what I imagined.  I thought I'd share some interesting tidbits that we've learned so far, including differences in the house purchasing process.  We will, of course, be continuing to learn all sorts of exciting things for a long time to come, so please note that this is a tiny list and feel free to ask me questions to research if you're curious! Brick and sand I've...

I tried to pull some thoughts out of Nic for a check-in, and he did have a few things worth mentioning but they all came out of him in bullet-point format rather than a narrative.  So, here you go: Nic isn't picking up Dutch as quickly as he thought he would just from existing here.  But Miles is, and that's great! Summer is nice.  Things are good. He's very glad that there's a dog park in the neighborhood because he does so like dogs.  And Saartje (neighborhood Corgi) is so soft. Nic does wish that we had more friends and that he had joined the fencing club by now, but he's also aware that not everything needs to happen at once He misses people. He's looking forward to engaging in the upcoming Dutch elections and doing some volunteer work with a political party.  It's an opportunity to meet like-minded people and he really likes this work and how this work is part of his role in a community. The kids are doing really well growing.  Nic is absolutely loving...

It's been just about 8 months since we moved and it's hard to say whether it feels like it's been a long time or a short time.  We're established enough that we see our neighbors around town and we say hello (in Dutch).  We have a good idea of how most things about daily life work here and where to find what we need, or who to ask if we don't.  Yet, I still look out the window at the now familiar street we've chosen to live on and it feels novel.  It still feels a little surreal, like it's a dream come true but I had written off that dream and left behind so long ago that even the dream itself is unfamiliar.  I don't think about Tacoma often.  When I do, I'm no longer flooded with anxiety and discomfort.  I miss our house and our yard and our cat, and then I also really don't.  I miss some people and my spirit becomes full of love for them, and then I let it go.  I never hesitate to send them a message when I'm thinking of them, though. ...

Our neighbor said something a couple of days ago that has stuck with me.  We were continuing the generic "get to know you" stuff, us as internationals and she a Dutch person.  Towards the end, she said "It's not that the lifestyle there [in the US] is bad , it just wasn't the right fit for you ." I think this idea is something I've felt, but I hadn't been able to frame for myself in this context.  The way in which we live - our lifestyle - includes, and is determined by, so many factors that it's difficult to pin down.  But since moving here, something has just clicked.  I feel like I've settled into a memory foam pillow.  The feeling of something always being just slightly wrong has lifted off my shoulders.  I feel so much freer here.   I'm clearly still struggling to put what I'm feeling into words, but I think the lifestyle changes have had a huge positive impact on my everyday life and wellbeing.  When we decided to move, these th...

REMINDER OF OUR PREVIOUS INTRO: It has been on Nic's radar for months that I was coming after him for this blog.  He finally felt ready and we forced a few hours to ourselves over the weekend to talk - yes, I said hours.  My transcription of our conversation is almost word for word, so it's quite lengthy and I'm going to break it down into his specific points. This section is made up of follow-up questions to our original conversation. PART 4 Alex:   So, a few other questions. You came downstairs after putting the kids to bed on whatever day it was, January 3rd maybe, of 2021 and you just looked at me and you said “How do you feel about leaving the country?”  What made that your moment?   Nic:  My professor, my advisor.  It’s when I was chatting on Facebook with him.  Going back a number of years, I've been engaging in frequent conversations with my advisor from college, U.S. government professor now retired.  We would exchange thoughts o...

REMINDER OF OUR PREVIOUS INTRO: It has been on Nic's radar for months that I was coming after him for this blog.  He finally felt ready and we forced a few hours to ourselves over the weekend to talk - yes, I said hours.  My transcription of our conversation is almost word for word, so it's quite lengthy and I'm going to break it down into his specific points. Alex:   So why did we leave the United States? Nic:  Right… so, you have asked me to give kind of my take on the the political and systemic issues in the United States that made me not optimistic. I haven’t quite prepared this out, but I think it broke down into a few different issues.  First, you’ve got  the breakdown of norms that underpin our system , and that is something I started noticing as far back as 2011 and really crystallized in maybe 2014 to 2016. Second, we have the  systemic level imbalances in our political system that are on a trajectory to only worsen  towards greater minor...