Fijne oudejaarsavond - 2023

Before writing this, I read through my end of year post from 2022 and now I'm sitting here in a bit of a state of anxious shock.  I've changed quite a bit without realizing, and forgotten a lot as well... perhaps buried in an attempt at self-preservation.  

In that post, I mentioned the overwhelming anxiety I felt when I thought about 2022 and how I was not in a good mental state to reflect much on it.  But now, I think about 2022 quite a lot.  When I can anticipate a huge life change, such as graduating or moving, I try to intentionally hold onto some distinct memories of that time and that place in which I'll never live again.  I have a lot of those from 2022 and they pop into my head at completely random moments every single day.  I had spent so much energy looking around me and sitting with the details of what I was seeing, of what my life was in Tacoma, while burning myself up in preparing to move.  

I spontaneously think about... 

• driving my friend's truck to the dump
• my previous job and the way the office smelled
• climbing the trees in our yard with the kids
• the cherry blossoms in South Tacoma while I was driving that same truck
• my kids learning to ride bikes
• the yard we worked in so much and didn't get a chance to enjoy
• driving through Portland with the kids and feeling such overwhelming emotions at the intersections of my past, present, and future lives
• the morning of our move and the things I didn't take care of well enough before our ride to the airport
• walking the kids to Bryant before they ended up having to take a school bus
• Vietnamese, Thai, and Indian foods which we haven't found equals to over here
• the permanent and residual effects of the pandemic
• people, so many wonderful people

I also talked in that post about how some long-held ideas I'd had about the future had changed or been let go of with this move.  I don't understand how it happened, but my mindset has shifted so thoroughly that I'd forgotten about some of those dreams altogether.  They might sometimes pop into my head like the other random memories, but they're not really real.  They were never memories, so that makes sense, but the ideas for the future which now will never be had been very real to me.  And just one year later, they're essentially gone.

That shock was then followed up by the understanding that I still am not thinking much about the future from this new life in the Netherlands either.  When I do, it's musing about the futures my kids may choose for themselves, the upbringing they'll have here instead, what they may think about the US and our choice to leave as they grow, where we might retire or move in the future.  

But I'm still very much focused on the baby steps we're taking in our new lives here.  I'm looking into the future with a logistical mindset so I can do a better job of anticipating things than I did this year.  I'm still going with the flow, learning all that I can, and making space to stay calm and enjoy what's here now.  Therefore, I don't have a lot to say about 2024 - this is very odd for me and I'm going to have to sit with this uncomfortable feeling of not needing a 1-year or 5-year plan.  I feel like I hardly recognize the headspace I'm in, and that's not a bad thing.

Anyway... my memory has kind of always been garbage, so I'm going to take this next little bit of alone time that I have left to jot some things down that I want to remember when I look back on our first year here.

December 2022:  We moved to the Netherlands with 4 suitcases and carry-ons.  In our little AirBnB apartment, we spent a lot of time just existing.  Each day, we accomplished some task to establish ourselves - phone plans, bike rentals, school research.  Nic taught the family how to play Magic the Gathering and we played every single night.  We discovered museums, put an offer on our future house, played alone in lots of playgrounds while the other children were at school.  We enjoyed the Christmas market, winter ice rink, carnival, carol singers and story tellers, and we spent Christmas day putting together legos.  Miles got a bike for his 7th birthday and practiced his independence by walking across the street to the produce shop by himself to buy eggs.

January 2023:  I started Dutch classes online and the kids started part-time school while their program searched for a full-time teacher.  We continued adventuring through the city and its many parks.  We closed on our house and began hunting down basics at thrift stores (so much fun).  Looking back, I'm shocked at what a short amount of time we spent in that little apartment.  It was the first time I really remember as an adult being able to sink into the couch and let go.  The burnout slowly moved to the back of my mind, I kept pushing the anxiety away, and in that tiny space I was so at peace.  Meanwhile, Nic continued to tirelessly make sure his business setup was in order for immigration.

February 2023:  We moved into our new house, and the understanding of just how few possessions we had was quite liberating.  Two friends unexpectedly had a layover in Amsterdam and got to visit us in Leiden for a few hours.  The kids started school full-time, Miles in a Dutch language immersion program and David in a regular public school classroom.  Our immigration paperwork was finalized and we became official residents of the Netherlands.  

March 2023:  It snowed for a few hours early in the month.  The grandparents arrived with our dogs and we had a lovely time showing everyone our new life.  We visited the tulip fields, the museums, the parks.  I started looking for a job in earnest and kept up with my Dutch classes.  Some of David's best friends from Tacoma came to visit us for a few days while they were staying in Europe for spring break and we got to see David light up.

April 2023:  Incredible spring thunderstorms began.  David turned 5 and shared some news with us that we've all embraced and keep working through as a family.  We rode bikes to the beach nearest our house on the North Sea and played in the sand and wind.  April marks the beginning of the holiday/vacationing season for the Dutch, so we experienced the festivities of Easter and King's Day followed by spring break.  So many parks and museums!  I think this is the month when we bought our own bikes rather than using the rentals.  Nic and I saw Jane Goodall speak in The Hague.

May 2023:  More thunderstorms!  I started part-time work in a neighboring town and learned how awesome a commute by bike could truly be.  It was a perfect 25 minutes, half through the city and half through the fields, in which I spent re-acquainting myself with podcasts and music.  We started teaching the dogs how to run alongside us on our bikes.  Life was really excellent this month, 5/5 stars.

June 2023:  We visited the Rotterdam zoo because David was somehow so enthralled with the idea of Rotterdam.  We also headed to the eastern border and "camped" in a luxury tent for a few days, leaving the dogs with our babysitter at the last minute when our international drivers' licenses weren't ready in time for the car rental.  We did lots of hiking through different ecosystems and had a great time being free and running around in nature.  This little vacation happened while the kids had another week off, but they weren't released for summer quite yet.  Then, more family/friends came to visit!  There were 9 of us hanging in the house, which was a lot but it was also very cozy to have them around.  Thank you to Grandma for taking 4 kids all by herself so that we could go have a dine-out with the adults.

July 2023:  This is the month when the kids said goodbye to their first school in the Netherlands for summer holiday, knowing they'd be going to a different school in the fall.  I also left my first Dutch job a little earlier than contracted in favor of a better opportunity.  My commute sadly stopped, but I gave myself a couple of weeks off before my new job began.  We met a new friend who was visiting from the States for 5 weeks and ended up getting to play together for most of the summer.  We explored Leiden's Rembrandt festival and enjoyed the historical reenactments.  Another set of friends came to visit Leiden and then they showed us a bit of Amsterdam.

August 2023:  I started my new job, which I'm still doing and loving (part-time).  My new commute is a train ride to The Hague followed by a short walk.  We went to Paris to visit those same friends of David's who visited us in the Spring!  It was a really lovely weekend and the kids had such a good time together.  I'm not sure if they will remember anything about Paris, just the memories they made with each other.  We also spent a day at the ruins of a medieval castle that's nearby.  The kids did archery and some sword fighting.

September 2023:  Leiden's Pride parade was on the canals and we liked pointing out all the beautiful glitter.  I got to stay a few nights in an Amsterdam hotel at a company conference, my first ever company-paid travel.  It was so nice.  Then, David had a series of injuries - first stitches, then a cast for a mangled ankle.  Two totally separate instances that acquainted us with the healthcare system.  The kids also started their chosen extra-curricular activities for this school year - indoor rock climbing for Miles, music class for David.

October 2023:  Leidens Ontzet was a completely unexpected holiday that I saw on the calendars and had no concept of what it would entail.  The kids had the day off from school to go enjoy the carnival that was setup by our house.  They also had a week off for autumn vacation, right during Nic's busiest time of year with work.  So, the kids and I went to Farm Camp, making more new friends and seeing new parts of the country.  Nic lost his wedding band in a canal/body of water and we made a lovely new acquaintance who came and rescued it for us.  Halloween came and went - it's not celebrated in our neighborhood. 

November 2023:  This is the month in which the "trick-or-treat" idea is celebrated, during Saint Martin's.  The kids made lanterns and sang autumn carols at neighbors' doors in exchange for candy.  The Dutch also begin the holiday gift giving for kids, the equivalent of Santa, in the month of November and we did our best to learn quickly and keep up with this new magical mythology.  The dogs decided this was the month to explore the water and ran through the canal off leash after another dog.  Not fun.  Also not fun - Dutch elections happened and a majority voted for the far-right, anti-immigrant party.  So far, no coalition has managed to form but it hasn't felt nice as an immigrant.  We're not worried, but it was certainly surprising.

December 2023:  This month, we celebrated the holidays in our house for the first time.  I think we did well incorporating the Dutch traditions with our own and not spoiling anything for the kids.  Miles competed in a chess tournament where he placed 18th out of 35 with kids ages 7-11.  They both started swim lessons (after an 8 month wait list) so we now have an even busier schedule.  Nic and I stayed near Utrecht for a night away at my company's holiday party, which was a lot of fun.  The kids hosted Christmas dinner with their classmates in their classrooms, which they absolutely loved and is so far my favorite thing about Christmas here that we don't have in the US.  Miles turned 8 this week.  We've gone to the movies (to see Wonka) and visited Legoland to celebrate.

Now, as I finish up this post on NYE from my cushy chair by the window, the kids are at the park down the street playing in the rain with neighborhood friends.  Said friends knocked on our door and asked if they could play, no parents around - just the kids being kids freely in their neighborhood, despite the rain.  Many of our neighbors are still out of town for the holiday.  Unlike in the US, they've all kept their curtains pulled up high so we can see that they're away but no one is worried about someone breaking in.  

I will be increasing my hours at work next month, so I'm feeling nervous about everything running smoothly.  Yet, I'm also excited because I really like my job and I'll still only be working 4 days per week under a hybrid model.  I'm hoping this is going to be a good balance of professional development and being able to focus on life at home as well.  We'll see - the culture here is such that I can always go back to 3 days a week if I feel like it's not working out.  

For 2024, I look forward to growing and learning.  I currently have no goals and only a few expectations so that I can spend most of my energy living each day.