Parenting and being a kid in the Netherlands

I was asked recently about parenting in the Netherlands and I didn't have time to fully respond, but I've been thinking about it ever since.  I last wrote along this line in my post about lifestyle changes about 10 months ago and I've obviously gathered a lot more data since then, so lets dive into an update. 

While you should definitely click that link above to read the whole thing (all of which is still perfectly applicable and fills me with joy), my previous summary is still 100% on-point:

The difference between the two countries as a kid is staggering, and we haven't even gotten to experience much in this context yet.  When we visited here two years ago, we asked a fellow American about neighborhoods that were family friendly yet still in the city - and she laughed.  "Well... all of them.  This is a very family-friendly country" she said.  Kids have much more independence here and freedom to be themselves.  It's safer, by a long shot, so they are able to go on their own to the park or to a friend's house, even to the grocery store at a certain age.  Kids seem to be considered and welcomed in most aspects of life - there are parks everywhere, people don't scowl so much if kids are making kid noises, and "helicopter parenting" isn't even a familiar term (I don't think).  In some ways, maybe kids are given too much leeway and, honestly, they can be a bit annoying.  But they're so clearly happy being themselves that I would rather they be a bit over the top than stifled.

I can hardly imagine a better place for a kid to grow up.  There are many great reasons why The Netherlands consistently ranks one of the highest in the world for kid-related things (happiness, places to raise kids, overall child wellbeing, etc.).     

But I also feel that Nic and my values as parents have found a home here.  I feel so much more relaxed and confident in my own parenting style.  I feel more normal, less judged.  Our parenting style doesn't feel like an act of rebellion like it did in the US.  It's hard to have a discussion about parenting when it has as many variations in the world as there are parents, but there are some critical differences in lifestyle and culture that have made me feel deeply content as a parent here.  

Based on my observations so far, the role of the parent here is more often to guide your kids, not control them.  You are expected to spend time with your kids in a healthy way and let them be free in an equally healthy way.  Parents can, and should, let go a bit more.  I see a large number of adult children continuing to live at home into their 20's here, and I think the level of trust that Dutch parents seem to place in their kids is one of the top reasons to explain why.  (They would tell you it's housing prices, which is valid, but they also have no idea what many American adult children would pay to get out of their parents' house.)

Kids have more independence and freedom here, in large part because it's a physically and psychologically safer place for them to exist.  The thing about letting your kids be independent in the US is that there is far more actual danger.  We don't feel any fear here about our kids making friends with a family we don't know because they're not going to have guns in their house, they're not going to be involved in gang violence, or have random exposure to fentanyl.  Cars here slow down and really focus on where kids are on the roads and also seem to pay attention to how skilled those kids seem on their bikes.  Our parenting values and strategies feel more normal here, and the environment itself is more conducive to those values.

It also seems that kids are able to be more free here because society actively values children as growing members of the community and, therefore, has certain expectations for them.  They are trusted to get on a bike at age 2 and trusted to learn traffic safety by maybe age 6 while the rest of the community looks out for them and supports  this learning experience.  They're not treated like dolls to dress up and they're not assumed to be too stupid to understand things.  They're able to build confidence in themselves.  Kids are welcomed into spaces that are so often exclusively for adults (pubs, concert halls, museums), and society embraces them in these spaces as the kids that they are - which, I assume based on the level of confidence and freedom they enjoy, seems to be kids who are less innately obnoxious or destructive as you might expect.  Kids are free to be kids independently and to engage with society as growing members of the community, which seems to lead them towards navigating adult-based societal settings more fluidly.

Expectations for parents are also a bit different.  It seems that because the community (and the government) have your back as a parent, you're supposed to use that support to be more hands-on with your kids.  Participation at school isn't limited to stay at home parents - you're supposed to come see what they're working on ("museum day"), engage with them through some planned activity that happens during school hours (this morning's scavenger hunt), and help them prepare food for their class.  Yes - there are holiday breakfasts and dinners where your kid (obv you as well) are supposed to prepare something to share and they all sit down and have a formal meal together in the class.  There are no restrictions on bringing homecooked meals to school.  There are also no commercial kitchens at school - lunches need to be brought from home because there doesn't seem to be a need to provide for students at that level.  While these expectations are certainly overwhelming for parents like us who had no experience with these things before, I am actually really loving it... but only because I have the support to make it possible.

Speaking of support - it's a lot easier to be a kid and a parent when healthcare is there to take care of you.  All healthcare for minors is covered by the government, regardless of income level.  When David needed a cast and stitches, I never saw a bill.  Not even for the kid-sized wheelchair that I rented online from a company that delivered it to and picked it up from our doorstep.  Furthermore, the cost of healthcare for adults is comparatively affordable - Nic and I combined pay 2,800 EUR per year in premiums versus the 13,000 USD we paid for 3/4 of us in the US.

Why was that total only covering 3/4 of us?  Because our insurance was tied to my employer, which paid just for my coverage alone.  Sure, the ACA helped open up access to health insurance without requiring an employer, but the cost is still no where near the range we see here.  Healthcare in NL is not tied to your employer, so you as a parent (or not as a parent) have a lot more freedom to adjust your career when you need/want to.

It's also a lot easier to be a parent when there are better parental leave laws, paid and unpaid, alongside a culture that values you as a human rather than a productivity machine.  You have more time to spend with your kids or on yourself, more flexibility with your work schedule and more flexibility with your work load expectations.  The work culture and the systems that support it are just so drastically different than my experience in the US.  For example, in our region all schools are closed for the next two weeks for vacation.  It's illegal in NL for you to take your kids out of school for vacations when it's not designated vacation time, which means that when the kids have breaks it is expected for the adults to take breaks as well.  In my white collar field, no one is fretting about staff coverage to accommodate staggered break times.  We just all take vacation time at once and expect things to go slower.  In the more service focused industries, they're just closing up shop - the baker and the produce stalls put up a sign that says when they're off so that you don't expect them to be open while they're taking holiday.

Parenting is one of the contexts in which I can observe major worldview differences between the US and the Netherlands in regards to the individual vs the collective as well as in differing definitions of "freedom".   I'm going to be doing a whole post on these, but in sum it feels that society here operates with the collective rather than the individual as the priority, yet defines "freedom" as the right of the individual to be themselves within the collective.  In terms of parenting, it means that the community is there to support me in my role and it is also there to support my kids in the hard work of growing up well.  

I'm aware that I haven't provided many specifics about how I found parenting to be in Tacoma from which we could more clearly draw comparisons, but I suspect I will get more fully into that when we return to visit Tacoma this summer.  What I can say, though, is that it's a huge relief to feel supported as a parent and as an individual and I do truly feel more free.

If you have any questions or things you'd like me to elaborate on, please let me know!