A Whole New Lifestyle

Our neighbor said something a couple of days ago that has stuck with me.  We were continuing the generic "get to know you" stuff, us as internationals and she a Dutch person.  Towards the end, she said "It's not that the lifestyle there [in the US] is bad, it just wasn't the right fit for you."

I think this idea is something I've felt, but I hadn't been able to frame for myself in this context.  The way in which we live - our lifestyle - includes, and is determined by, so many factors that it's difficult to pin down.  But since moving here, something has just clicked.  I feel like I've settled into a memory foam pillow.  The feeling of something always being just slightly wrong has lifted off my shoulders.  I feel so much freer here.  

I'm clearly still struggling to put what I'm feeling into words, but I think the lifestyle changes have had a huge positive impact on my everyday life and wellbeing.  When we decided to move, these things were all part of the conversation, but they weren't the primary driving factors.  They're far more tangible  than I thought they would be and the relief of living in a place that allows for the lifestyle I've always wanted is huge.

Here is a breakdown of some of the most significant lifestyle (or lifestyle-related) differences between the US and the Netherlands which I am so definitely here for.

1. Density.  The city of Leiden is nearly 4x as dense as the city of Tacoma.  This isn't to say that other parts of the US aren't dense, but I feel like this level of density was nearly impossible to find in a way that coincided with all of my other living priorities.  There are so many people in a small space here.  It feels satisfyingly efficient and tangibly sustainable.

2. Proximity.  With density comes the need for basic necessities to be nearby, and they are.  The grocery stores, the parks, the schools, the clinics, the pubs and other relevant community gathering places are all right here.  Leiden is small enough that even the city center is just a few minutes by bike from anywhere else in the city.  It's so convenient.

3. Freedom of movement.  Hey, I'm not sure if you know this, but... it IS actually possible for trains, metros, busses, and other forms of public transportation to successfully exist in a place.  We chose to live next to the train station to be even closer, but the ease with which people can get around this country (this continent) is kind of mind boggling.  This, at least, is something I have been able to articulate for ages.  At least since I was 15, I've described my childhood growing up in the suburbs as feeling trapped in a claustrophobic way.  Having to get in a car to get out of my neighborhood and somewhere relevant was absolutely stifling.  Here, I can walk, bike, bus, or train to get essentially anywhere I could possibly want to go and get there faster than I could have imagined.

4. Activity.  Speaking of bikes, I am getting so much exercise just by existing here.  Living an active lifestyle has always been a huge priority for me, but sooo difficult to maintain in the US.  The time I would have spent in a car in the US is instead spent on a bike or walking - maybe even a little longer despite everything being so close because it's so much easier to get around that I don't mind spending the extra time doing so.  My body is so happy, and I haven't even consistently hit the gym yet (that scheduling is in the works).  

5. Parenting.  The difference between the two countries as a kid is staggering, and we haven't even gotten to experience much in this context yet.  When we visited here two years ago, we asked a fellow American about neighborhoods that were family friendly yet still in the city and she laughed.  "Well... all of them.  This s a very family-friendly country" she said.  Kids have much more independence here and freedom to be themselves.  It's safer, by a long shot, so they are able to go on their own to the park or to a friend's house, even to the grocery store at a certain age.  Kids seem to be considered and welcomed in most aspects of life - there are parks everywhere, people don't scowl so much if kids are making kid noises, and "helicopter parenting" isn't even a familiar term (I don't think).  In some ways, maybe kids are given too much leeway and, honestly, they can be a bit annoying.  But they're so clearly happy being themselves that I would rather they be a bit over the top than stifled.

6. Work-life.  I have only just entered the Dutch workforce, but what I've figured out so far is that there isn't a struggle to balance the two at all.  Working part-time, regardless of whether you have kids, is extremely normal here and it's actually illegal to discriminate against someone based on their preference for part or full time work.  When you are sick, you just stay home - you don't need to log sick hours or anything, you just are expected to get better (note - this may vary by industry with service-based employees having more hurdles, of course).  The legal minimum amount of vacation time (note - vacation, not sick) is 20 days per year for full-time employees.  And when you go on vacation, no one is judging you for not being a workaholic - in fact, you're paid a "holiday allowance" in May of every year so that you have more spending money for your vacation time.  I shit you not.  I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone where everything I thought I knew about work culture has been flipped upside down and I'm completely lost.  I've read the whole Dutch Civil Code regarding employment law, cover to cover because I'm that nerd, but I'm still processing how different this life is.  I could weep just for this lifestyle change alone.  Granted, yes, incomes are smaller here and taxes higher, but it's so worth it.

7. Views on money.  Okay, this is a weird one to talk about, both because it's uncomfortable in the American context and I'm still learning the Dutch context.  The thing about taxes being high and income being lower here is that, as a culture, wealth just doesn't matter as much.  Taxes are worth it because obviously you're getting services with your tax dollars and, furthermore, supporting the community is more important that accumulating personal wealth.  Competing with the Joneses is actually looked down upon.  See how the Dutch told Bezos to fuck himself and why here: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/29/business/bezos-yacht-rotterdam.html.  Okay, so clearly Bezos is an exception, even by American standards maybe, but why is this uncomfortable in the American context?  Because I feel like many of the systemic problems that the US faces stem from the idea that to have value as a human being, you have to pay for it yourself.  To have worth, you have to earn it.  The entire American lifestyle is built on the idea that making money is the most critical aspect of life.  And it is liberating to know that the funding for our kids' schools isn't dependent on trying to convince the old, wealthy, white neighbor to vote yes even though he doesn't have school-aged kids himself - for example.  I could go on... and on and on and on... but suffice it to say that my views on wealth, the way I want my kids to learn to interact with money, and the value on human life are much more aligned with the Dutch than the American culture.  (Please note, I am fully aware of the monetary privilege we enjoy that has gotten us here in the first place and how the American systems have given us more leverage than is available to other people living in the US.  I am not speaking from a place of ignorance, but - for better or for worse - from a place of hopelessness where we felt like leveraging that privilege was the best thing we could do for our kids' futures).

8. Safety.  Safety in all of its contexts.  Safety in terms of both violent and non-violent crime, in terms of gun violence, in terms of car fatalities, in terms of healthcare being so unaffordable that people can't get it, in terms of all of the -isms that lead to people harming others because of their ignorance and hate... all of it is minimal here.  It may sound absurd, but one of the biggest things I'm still getting used to is knowing that no one is watching me closely when I enter the grocery store with my backpack.  I still feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though it's beyond normal here and no one seems to be assuming that theft is the inevitable outcome of a store's existence.  And I am neither male nor a person of color.  I cannot imagine the constant fear that those populations must feel while simply existing in the United States.  Don't get me wrong - racism exists here, yes absolutely, and I have opinions about the "acceptance" of the Dutch culture for traditionally oppressed groups as well, but these problems are on a completely different level in the US.  I am, however, female, and since moving I have not once felt a prickle up my spine when a man was walking down the street behind me.  Was my degree of paranoia warranted in the US?  Maybe not.  But was it smart to keep around?  Yeah, absolutely.  Here, I don't feel like I need to carry that shit around at all.  Crime still happens, of course, but it's, again, on a completely different level.  I mean... y'all, the police here are unarmed, wear bulletproof vests, and ride bikes.

There will be more observations, I imagine, and I'll diligently keep you informed as we go.  We're 6-months in now and everything is somehow better than we imagined.