Tolerance vs Inclusion

Among those in the US who know anything about The Netherlands in the first place, it seems to conjure an image of social liberalism in a wet climate.  The Netherlands is known as being the first country in the world to legalize marriage equality.  We think of Amsterdam as the gay capital of the world.  As we were preparing for our move, I heard a lot of folks in the queer family say something along the lines of "Wow, you're moving to a place where I'd actually be safe" with a hint of wistful jealousy in their voice.  

All of this is true.  It is a socially liberal place with a climate that many would think is less than ideal, but I find rather perfect.  Gay rights are so engrained in the psyche of the population that the far-right parties use homophobia as the excuse for not wanting Muslims in the country.  It is, in fact, much safer here for queer people than in the United States and many, many other nations.  And the Dutch people as a whole are very proud of their openness and tolerance of minority populations.

After just a few months of living here, however, I came to the conclusion that the way that the Dutch seem to view other cultures is really through a lens of libertarianism and tolerance rather than through a lens of welcoming and inclusion.  

The theory is that everyone should be free to be themselves here, and the policies and structures do seem setup with that goal in mind.  Everyone should be able to marry who they love, to be the gender that they are, to be trusted to make the best choices for themselves as individuals, etc. and so their legal rights to do so are protected.  And this is an excellent worldview.  It means that basic rights and access to things that people need in order to live are protected and relatively well maintained.

But the Dutch culture that I've interacted with so far hasn't gone the extra step that the American Left has taken and focused its energy on trying to amplify the voices of marginalized communities.  Inclusion is something that's talked about, but it is up to the individual to include themselves.  It's supposed to be a given that this is a safe space, even if it doesn't always feel safe because no one is making room for you.  

For example, it's fine that you're Different, but it's up to you to loudly be Different rather than expect the Normal group to implement norms that make it easier to be Different AND be yourself.  And this seems counter to the cultural norm that you're not supposed to stand out too much ("doe normaal" that I talked about in my Gender Part 1 post).  How am I to assume that it's safe to be Myself when Myself is louder than the average person, and I'm only louder than the average person because there isn't space made for me to be Myself without having to be loud about it...?

In the context of racial, ethnic, or religious minorities, the situation feels a bit more complex.  For example, as I mentioned above, it's fine to be Muslim so long as your religion doesn't get in the way of anyone else's rights as an individual.  The "good immigrant" narrative definitely exists here like it does in the US where everyone is welcome so long as they fulfill XYZ obligations, namely learning the language, adopting the culture, and converting to the dominate religion (which feels like atheism in NL).  My Dutch coworkers of color talk about how white Dutch people often view them as different, even though they are 2nd or 3rd generation immigrants.

There's an additional layer to Dutch culture ("Dutch direct" which I've also talked about before) that seems to value saying whatever you have to say without much filter.  For those who are Different, this can mean that you're bombarded with unwelcome questions or gestures and you're not supposed to take offense to it.  Particularly if your difference stands out, people seem to think that you're asking for the attention and, therefore, it matters even less for them to work on not offending you.  Some people are genuinely trying to learn and do take away valuable information from these conversations, but not enough for me to say that society as a whole feels more enlightened.  

Obviously, most of this is the same in the US unless you're part of the Left, a minority community, or you actively seek information.  But I was surprised at how common it is here as well, particularly my last point about ignorance.  I would expect that a culture which takes so many global first steps towards protecting a marginalized community would also be more welcoming of that community, or at least more knowledgable about it.  But it it wouldn't be surprising if, for example, a group got together to make a policy to protect a particular community without inviting anyone from that community to be part of the process.  I don't know if this is actually happening, to be clear. 

Another thing I'd like to make clear is that I've still only been here 9 months.  My interactions and my observations are limited and my own.  I'm constantly learning and my understanding is evolving constantly.  But I do find value in documenting these things, even if they change in the future.  Immigrating is possibly the biggest decision we'll have made in our lives and this period of transition and growth is a critical part of the people we're becoming and the life we're leading.