Two Years in The Netherlands

December 1st marked 2 years since we landed in The Netherlands as fresh immigrants with the intent to stay.  On the one hand, it feels like we've been here forever because we are well established and it feels so right.  On the other, my heartrate still rises and anxiety zips up my spine when I think about Tacoma.  It's not that Tacoma is awful and it's not that I didn't enjoy my time there over the summer.  It's just that, even after 2 years away, I'm still not fully disentangled from it's problems.

I'm really not sure how to organize my thoughts on this post, so let's just dive in and see where I end up.

Our lifestyle here has become so comfortable and comparatively stress-free.  It is exactly the kind of day-to-day that we were trying to carve out for ourselves in the US, but were blocked by so many things that we had no power to change.  We are happy.  We no longer need a car to get anywhere and we can easily access the rest of Europe. Our kids are enjoying so much more independence and we are able to parent more in line with how we always wanted.  The way that we exist socially is less fraught with tension, even as immigrants.  I feel like, in most situations, I am able to be myself more directly rather than keeping quiet in a corner.  The cost of living is cheaper - for those readers in NL who think this statement might be bonkers, yes this is absolutely true, with food and healthcare taking the lead on things we are no longer spending a significant portion of our paychecks on.  I can even comfortably work part-time here.  

There are so many layers of life in which I now feel secure that a huge anxiety that I didn't realize I wasn't required to carry around has lifted.  We are more physically safe, financially safe, emotionally safe.  Things are not perfect, that isn't a realistic expectation either, but the anxiety that remains in my system can now be almost entirely attributed to my own neurological composition rather than being compressed by external factors.

It is absolutely astounding to think about how much we've learned.  There are practical aspects I'll get to in a moment, but I feel like I've also become whole as a person in unexpected ways.  When you make the decision to move your family across the world, there are so many dreams and comforts that you have to leave behind.  I have different hopes and visions of the future now, for myself and our family.  How I think about our lives has become so much more flexible because I feel like our opportunities are stronger here.  It does honestly feel a little unnerving because I'm the kind of person who always had an idea of what 5 years ahead should look like and I barely have that anymore.  And it's okay.  It feels liberating.  

I talked about my relief from much of my anxiety above, but a major part of that is feeling like I'm allowed to slow down.  I may not have been able to stay home when my kids were little, but I can give them more of my mental energy now.  Myself too.  There are always things that need to be done, but I feel like I have more room to decide what is urgent and what's not.  I feel like I have more power over my own life.

I have grown much more confident and comfortable in my identity as well.  I am no longer in a culture that expects me to perform my values in a particular way and rejects any kind of dissention.  I'm talking about the left and the right in the US, if that wasn't clear, the orobos that American sociopolitical posturing has become.  I can speak more freely, love more openly, and I don't feel pressure to exist in a particular identity box.  I don't feel like I have to prove who I am to anyone.  I think part of this is because the people in my life haven't known me for that long, so I had a unique opportunity for a completely new start, and I think part of this would have happened anyway through growth.  But I think moving and embracing a life that fit me better really expedited the process.  I feel so much stronger now.

At least once a week, I ponder to myself if there is anything that will one day be normalized for me which I currently find amazing.  Will I ever get tired of the church bells?  Will I ever not feel exhilaration when I get on my bike and go somewhere relevant?  Will I ever think "gosh, there is just not enough space here"?  Is it even possible to be bored of Europe?

No, I'm not sure it is.

In the practical sense, when I think back on our first couple of months here (memories full of happiness and boulders of stress crumbling off my shoulders) I remember how long it took to go grocery shopping, the headache I got from trying to read e-mails in Dutch, getting lost in the city and barely knowing any street names. The kids spoke no Dutch at all and were extremely nervous about socializing with other kids.  Now, they speak 2 languages and Miles is learning a 3rd, and I can understand almost everything I read in Dutch and can have full conversations with my neighbors and colleagues.

The language is the biggest part, but we have learned a whole lot about Dutch culture as well.  I'm going to write a more detailed post on this, but overall we have found that we fit in very well.  The US, sometimes more specifically the PNW, does some things much better in terms of understanding people, but so much worse in terms of systems and lifestyle that we can't miss it.  The Dutch do capitalism with a heavy hand of focusing on the common good rather than crush each other trying to get somewhere else.

We've built ourselves (maybe I want to phrase that as "found for ourselves") a really wonderful and strong network of folks, both Dutch natives and internationals like us.  I can't say enough positive things about our neighborhood.  It's full of people who are extremely kind and helpful, it's safe, it's calm most of the time yet very close to the city train station and near one of the major city squares where big activities happen.  Our kids are so happy here, leaving on their own to play in the neighborhood or its park with their friends.  The neighborhood association has an annual block party that Miles has repeatedly declared as "de beste dag ooit" ("the best day ever").  Our house will likely be a little small in the coming years as the kids grow and it doesn't have a yard for the dogs, but we don't really want to move out of the neighborhood.

It has been hard to be away from grandparents.  It has hard to watch friendships drift further than the pandemic shifted them.  But I think my relationships with some people in the US have grown stronger than they had been as well.  I do miss trees and mountains.  I regret not visiting certain places, not being able to enjoy places I'd visited as much as I should have while I was there.

But these last 2 years have been really great.