Losing Loved Ones from Far Away

The end of May was hard.  We lost 2 loved ones just 10 days apart, one a close friend and the other my mom.  Both were expected, as much as death can be, but being halfway around the world added another layer of emotion, I think.  We're still processing in our own different ways, and I imagine we will be for a long time yet.

When we moved, I heavily suspected that the goodbye hug with my mom was going to be my last hug with her.  We continued to have weekly phone calls, which we'd done since before the pandemic.  There have been various periods in which I knew things weren't great for her and I wondered if it would be our last call.  I tried to treat each one as if it was and I did my best to pull her along with me in my stories, to bring her a few moments of joy.  

Our last call was good.  I don't remember what we talked about while I took the dogs for a walk, but I remember feeling like it was a goodbye that felt kind of floaty.  She often had an extremely annoying habit of completely ignoring me when I said that I needed to go and asking more questions to keep me on the phone.  This had gone on for years, but she didn't do it in our last call.  I hadn't even said that I needed to go, she just assumed that since my dog walk was over that it was time and she said "goodbye, I love you" in a blissfully ignorant sort of way.  

That was Tuesday and she died on Saturday.  Then, I got the call from the funeral home needing to authorize cremation and whatnot.  I am extremely grateful to my aunt who has been the on-hand person for my mom over the last several years.  While her power of attorney ended at death and I needed to be the official decision maker, she was still the only one physically present and in the correct time zone to manage affairs.  We (mostly my aunt) had done as much as possible to prepare years ago, but there's still always something to do and that's made more difficult when you live far away.

People here kept asking if I was going to be flying back, and the answer is no.  We will do something relatively small and informal when we visit in August.

This is my social media announcement of my mom's death, just to close out this post:

My mom Karen passed away last Saturday, May 25th. In many ways it was expected, but I had personally prepared myself for so long that it ended up feeling surprising. It felt very long and slow to me, so I can't imagine how it felt for her. I am thankful that she now has peace.

I had a really good childhood and it's these memories that have been springing to mind these last few days; the way she tried to hum along to songs that were already bad enough on their own, the way I would catch her reading my textbooks at the kitchen table in the middle of the night, her reminders that I was only allowed to say "damn, shit, and hell" so long as I was responsible about it, the way we would rent 5 VHS tapes for $5 and cuddle while we watched movies.

Our relationship had ups and downs like every relationship does, but I never doubted that she loved me more than anything. She did her best and I did my best, as I believe most parents and their children do even when they make mistakes. I am so thankful that she was my mom.

She was also a mom or grandma figure to many others too. She always took care of people - our house often had others living with us who simply needed a place to be. Everyone was quick to love her.

I am processing my grief. It's different to prepare for and to actually experience someone's death. i am giving myself time and space to feel and to try to understand those feelings.

If you have memories of my mom, I hope you will feel comfortable enough sharing them here. Both the good and the bad, don't be shy - she was a multifaceted person just like everyone else.