Gender - Part 1

When we visited The Netherlands in summer of 2021, I was several months into what felt like a crisis about my own gender.  For those who aren't aware, I started questioning my gender heavily earlier that year and came out to Nic, followed by everyone else, as genderqueer in September after we'd returned from our trip.  Needless to say, I was quietly observing all of the gender norms and queer vibes I was able to pick up on as we traveled through the country that August.  I was in an internal space where I felt like I really needed my queer community and I was particularly interested in figuring out how that community, or even the need for that community, might be different when we moved here.

What stood out to me then was that my femme features and super short hair were not a common sight.  Yet, no one actually seemed to care either.  There were some spaces where I felt a deep contentedness full of community and safety, but only a few.  There were ads for Drag Race Holland on every city bus, but I could count the number of visibly, openly queer people that I observed on one hand after a full 20 days in the country.  I left feeling a little concerned about how I might fit in, or not, and wondering whether or not that was actually important to me.  I left hoping that by the time we actually moved I would feel more secure in myself and need my Family a little less.

So here we are, 10.5 weeks after moving, and I've gathered enough gender-related data to write a post.  We have really only left Leiden once, so everything I've got is limited to a few weeks, through a single season with no real acquaintances and within an area of fewer than 20 square kilometers.

Gender roles and stereotypes:

Gender stereotypes based on patriarchical assumptions definitely exist here just like everywhere else, but they seem to be much more mellow.  We had one example of this last year when an acquaintance confirmed with us that Miles was a boy who just liked to wear dresses.  Once we confirmed that his observations were correct, he just shrugged and we moved on. 

This year, it's felt a little more pointed so far.  Since we've moved in the winter, Miles wears a fluffy pink jacket all the time.  For his birthday, we spent the day shopping for and buying a bike for him.  At one of the shops, the person helping us out assumed Miles was a she and showed him over to the femme-targeted bikes.  He genuinely didn't care that it had flowers or that it was a "femme" style, he was stoked about the basket.  The person's English wasn't super, so he kept calling Miles "she" even when I'm fairly certain he had observed that Miles was a "he".  Miles was happy with the bike, so his gender really didn't matter.

The next shop, however, was slightly different.  The person helping us had much stronger English and observed right away that Miles was a he, even though he was wearing pink.  The pink jacket didn't matter to the person in the slightest, but he made sure to point out that "boys like this style of bike more because it can go faster."  It, of course, did not have a basket because - even as children - women are the ones responsible for carrying shit around while the boys fuck off.  I might be taking that a bit too far, since my observations of adult roles are not nearly so gendered, but wow did this person's statement light me on fire.  Miles didn't like that bike anyway and bought the "girl" bike.  We had a very chill conversation with him about how there may be an expectation that boys and girls have a certain kind of bike, even though we all know that any kid can like whatever they want, and since then we've seen several boys riding the same bike he got anyway - flowers and all.

As alluded to, though, it does seem that gender roles around child rearing are more equal here.  In the US, we lived in a little liberal bubble so it's hard for us to directly compare, but it feels like there are more dads managing drop off and pickup at school here.  We are just as likely to see a dad pushing a baby in a stroller around town during the work day as we are to see a mom, but we are also very likely to see couples together.  There also seem to be more male teachers here than there are at the elementary school level in the US, but the field is still heavily dominated by women.

Gender expression*:

I read an article recently by the Dutch Review, which targets English-speaking internationals living in The Netherlands, that referenced the stereotype of "the Dutch uniform."  Essentially, there is an understanding that the Dutch, as a peoples, are very monochromatic and basic in their attire.  There's also a famous phrase, "doe normaal," which the Dutch supposedly live by, meaning don't draw too much attention to yourself or act overtly outside of the norm because "normal" is plenty as it is.  

So far, I've found these stereotypes to be rather true, though not exclusively in regards to gender expression.  Clothing, home decor and interior design, textiles - all of it is very muted in color, the lines are clean and crisp, and everything feels very modern on the inside.  The outside of Dutch buildings, of course, are sometimes known for being very loud with cute and bright homes mixed in with all of the brick.  But, of course, that contrast is what makes them so photogenic - it really is a ton of brick all around, everywhere you look.  And that same contrast draws attention to people who look differently as well.  For example, I get really excited when I see someone with dyed hair, something other than a "natural" color... and, all but once, they've turned out to be American when they speak... and, even then, I've only seen a handful of people.  

The bit that I find the most interesting, however, is how the gender binary is expressed.  It is very rare to see anyone challenging the norms of binary gender expression, but there aren't as many differences between typically masculine and typically feminine gender expression.  Men and women both wear the same color palette, the same stye of coats and shoes.  Even on ciswomen, makeup use is very hard to see, if it's there at all, and no one takes styling their hair with heat or product very seriously.  So, while the binary is generally more adhered to, it's also less distinct in the first place.

We did have an interesting conversation with an older woman while we were sitting in the community center waiting for the library to open.  She spoke very little English, but chatted a whole lot at us in Dutch.  I don't know the exact words she used, but she was essentially commenting on how Nic and I had reversed our hair, with his being long and mine being short.  She didn't seem to be judging, though, just fully utilizing her "Dutch direct" and making an observation.  It feels backwards to say that people seem to genuinely not care what you look like, even if they observe your differences, since the culture also seems to be so uniform.  Without having close friendships with anyone yet, it's impossible to know what they're thinking, but I totally plan to ask once I have friends I'm comfortable with.

For the record, we have still seen very few femme people around my age with short hair but we have seen several men of Nic's age with long hair.

*Please note, I'm speaking of my observations among the ethnically Dutch community.  There is a large immigrant population here which is heavily Muslim and their gender expressions are much more rigidly observed in accordance with religious custom.

Queerness:

Because of the strange dance between the gender binary being firm, yet gender expression being monochromatic, it's extremely difficult to be able to pick out my Family in a crowd.  I also imagine that the queer community doesn't need to be loud to make themselves seen and heard here because we're so much safer to be who we are in the first place.  We're not completely hidden, though.  There have been plenty of same-sex couples walking around town holding hands, way more than I typically saw in Tacoma, and seeing that strength is really calming and hopeful.  The fact that no one cares about your queerness is really nice.  On the other hand, being seen and feeling community is also really nice.  I've got to figure out my own place as I get to know people a bit more.

This point sort of belongs in all of the above categories, but makes for a nice conclusion.  One of my favorite things about living here is that toxic masculinity is so very much not in anyone's face.  I'm sure it's a thing, because the patriarchy, but it doesn't feel like it has any power here.  Cismen, regardless of their sexuality (which I'm less likely to be able to observe on its own outside of my personal gaydar anyway), are very comfortable with mannerisms that would be perceived as effeminite in the US.  They cross their legs, they lean in close during conversations, they give full, genuine hugs to each other.  One acquaintance, who at least is in a straight-appearing relationship, had no problem complimenting the good looks of another man in casual conversation.  I'm loving it so hard.

That's what I've got for now, friends.  I'm going to have so much more to say on this topic as time passes.  If there are particular things you want to know about gender or queer culture here that I can try to observe for you, please send your questions my way.