Fijne oudejaarsavond

Happy New Year's Eve.... but, literally, the above translates to happy old year's evening.

And I love that.  So much.  Perhaps it's a barely notable shift in the language, but I like the way the Dutch phrase emphasizes the close of the old year, drawing attention to something past rather than constantly looking forward.  I think American culture isn't comfortable sitting in the present and reflecting on growth as much as it is interested in moving forward through the constant hustle.  I can barely talk, though, since I've spent a long time now planning for a future that has just become a reality.  I hustled a whole lot to get out of that very culture.

New Year has been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember.  It's celebrated globally (even if the date itself varies), it's not tied to a particular religion, it's an event that you can celebrate individually or with a chosen group rather than an obligatory one.  No one judges you if you travel for this holiday or if you choose to not celebrate it at all.  I use it as a time for personal reflection and I really enjoy the dedicated time to sit in that space and just be.  

However, as indicated in my last post, I'm really not super interested in sitting with 2022 right now.  It was hard.  Certainly nowhere near as hard as some past years have been for me, but it's still fresh enough to feel too overwhelming to take seriously.  I spent almost all of my energy preparing for this move, both at home and in my work.  

For the sake of focusing on the positives so that I can work on burying the anxiety of the overwhelming aspects of it, let's look at some of my 2022 highlights that have nothing to do with moving:

• Nic and I took a trip alone for the first time in 2.5 years and spent a few days near Lake Crescent.  We spent our trip deeply planning for this move, but being away from the kids and the stress allowed my brain to be free and reminded me that I'm still in there somewhere once I cut out all the bullshit that's forced to the forefront.
• The kids and I took a trip to Portland and my BFF came up to Tacoma to visit.
• I spent a lot of time working in the yard and enough/not-enough time in the forests.
• My time in the yard was spent listening to excellent podcasts, particularly School Colors season 2.
• I am very proud of my professional accomplishments and transition away from my role.
• I passed the one-year marker of coming out as non-binary, which still feels right even though I didn't have the mental room to think about myself very much.
• I kept up with Aikido until I absolutely couldn't anymore due to time constraints.  It was very fun.
• I read 112 books this year.  Fewer than past years by quite a bit, but I'm still glad I secured my evenings to myself and my books no matter what other nonsense needed to be done instead.

Typically at the end of each year, I look at my goal list and work through it - add to it, revise it, plan it out.  Since having kids, it's been at the back of my brain rather than at the front and what I choose to focus on is more personal.  The goal list is still there, but I view it less literally and give myself the flexibility to exist more in the moment than in my understanding of an ideal future.

Furthermore, since we decided to leave the United States, my goals and general ideas I'd had for the future have had to change.  This is one of those things that makes me thankful we gave ourselves 2 years to process this transition because letting go of what you think you want for your life, and the lives of your kids, is really difficult.  We've also had these 2 years to talk the kids through adjusting their own expectations, which I think has contributed in a major way to everyone navigating this transition really well at this point.  But it has felt strange to not be casually dreaming of opening a hostel one day in the obscure future.  There won't be a cabin we buy in the woods to go disconnect sometimes.  We don't have to wonder anymore which high school they'll choose to go to in Tacoma.  

But... there's so much we've gained for our futures, even if we still have so much to learn about this region, this culture, and the opportunities that will be available to us long-term.  The actual future is going to be much different than the future I've built up in my head as a lifelong Northwesterner, but maybe it won't actually be that different.  I'm still the same person with the same priorities and the same desires for my life.  Rather than that summer spent hiking in the Olympics, we'll be hiking somewhere else instead.  Rather than spending days and weeks of my life in a car, I'll be on a bike.  

There are bigger picture adjustments that I'm working on reconciling in my brain, but here are a few things I'm focused on for 2023:

• Learning, learning, learning.  
• Going through the basic steps of establishing and being comfortable in our new life here.
• Getting a job.  Any job is fine, but I'm elated to have the opportunity to be able to focus on the life the job allows me to have rather than the professional development I'm not terribly interested in building at the moment.
• Focusing on myself again.  Not just my nightly reading, but also whatever else I need to feel like I'm living for me rather than exclusively for some other purpose.
• Spend more time with Nic, alone, which we have barely done in literally years.
• Make friends, or at least acquaintances.
• Learning, learning, learning... so much learning.

They're fluffy, often intangible goals, but these are the only things I'm thinking about right now through the next year.  And I'm not interested in laying down more firm ideas for life beyond that either, not until I've had a chance to be present here for quite a while first.  I'm excited and I'm ready for all of it, even when things don't go as planned and when things are different than I expected.  It doesn't feel scary anymore to let go and take it all as it comes, moment by moment.